Let’s talk about confidence in leadership. Wednesday I had my weekly indoor soccer game. I played goalkeeper. It’s not really that I am the best goalie, but more because I am out of shape and I felt like I contribute better back there. I have done pretty well as a goalie the past six weeks by relying on my lack of fear and my willingness to take a hit.
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Early in the game I aggressively moved toward the first man dribbling toward, I was pulled out of position, and he passed it off for a goal. That was it, it happened quickly and without fanfare. He anticipated me, exposed me, and made a fool of me. I’d given him my best shot, I don’t really have another trick. My confidence disappeared, and the other team saw it. Toward the end of the game the other player dribbled up to me, grinning, and flipped it past me easily into the goal.
Anyway, we got creamed. The other team was much better than us. I don’t know the final score, I think it was 7 to 2 last time I took a glance at the board.
The other guys on my team are great, they are the reason the score wasn’t worse! They’re all very skilled, energetic, and talented soccer players. But we were getting whipped, and we all knew it. A couple guys stood out that night though, they felt the team faltering and stepped up to lead the group. One of my fullbacks, Marius, saw that I had lost my confidence and he became the anchor from the rear of the field. He supported me and helped protect the goal, and he helped orchestrate the men up front. He was encouraging and selfless in how he lead us. His confidence was big enough to to share. He was a great leader in that moment.
Obviously, as any mature recreational soccer player would do, when the game was over I shook the other team’s hands, grabbed my bag, I left the sports complex in a huff. I felt foolish, but that wasn’t the worst of it. I was also confused because I didn’t know what to do about the loss. I had been bragging earlier that day that we were one of the best teams, and I was completely expecting to win that night.
I happened to listen to a podcast from Seth Godin on the drive home, and he made an interesting comment about confidence in leadership. To paraphrase, he said that for many leaders their confidence is born from an environment where they have excelled because of certain qualities or characteristics. The problem is that they generally have a difficult time excelling when the environment changes because they have learned to rely on just a few skills. It makes sense that we learn what moves work and we just practice those moves, but that leaves us deficient in other areas.
The point is, I played my one trick that usually worked, I had never needed another trick, and when it failed I was undone. My confidence was gone and I could not lead anymore. I would probably have called that brand of confidence “cockiness” if I had seen it in someone else. The difference between me and Marius is that I relied on my confidence to lead, he relied on his ability and the RESULT was confidence.
The reality is, it was just a soccer game. There was very little at stake besides my pride. I will continue to face challenges in life that are greater than my ability to overcome. I will probably get slaughtered again many times, like I was earlier this week, but I have the opportunity to grow stronger from these failures.
Failure is such a dirty word in our culture. Most people are afraid of it. But we need to learn to embrace our failures as opportunities to explore our strengths and weaknesses and become better versions of ourselves.
Quitting is another dirty word. But the more I learn abut myself, my strengths and weaknesses, the better I know WHEN to quit BEFORE I fail. In hindsight, I should have quit after a couple shots flew by me and let a stronger player take my place. I would have been able to support the team from a mid or fullback position, or even vocally from the bench.
The interesting thing is that my lack of leadership in the goalie box allowed me to see the leaders around me more clearly. I was humbled, but I gained a tremendous opportunity for growth. I have since examined other areas of my life and been able to recognize weaknesses that I want to share.
A few years ago I had a business partner in a construction business. He was a steady guy, he managed the books, and was the primary carpenter. I put on a tool belt when necessary, I handled the sales, and managed the customers. I only recently realized how heavily I leaned on him to support our company. My lack of leadership taxed our relationship and our partnership dissolved after a year and I left the company. My lack of leadership and responsibility contributed to failure. On a lighter note, I saw him a couple months ago and he seems to be happy. He’s meeting his goals and growing the company the way he initially set out to.
I also realized how much I rely on my wife, Adrienne. The often leads our family where I choose not to, primarily with our emotional and spiritual growth (and managing the money). She has been patient with me as I lean on her, but she also shows me how she wants me to build confidence and lead her. I am only now learning how to be humble so I can accept that my leadership choices are not working anymore and QUIT using them. Only from that place will I grow.
Confidence can be deceiving. It can be used to mask the areas in which you lack the necessary skills to lead, or it can be a result of the depth of experience gained from past challenges. The confidence you summon to do something that pushes you outside of your comfort zone can be useful, but there really is no substitute for EARNED confidence in leadership.
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